every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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