just tell him i said nine months
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
