you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
