I'm eating all of the evidence.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
