She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
