just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
