Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Every concussion has its silver lining
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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