it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
