I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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