my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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