Someone shit on the floor
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I didn't notice because vodka
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
