so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
