Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
