Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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