i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
