worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
