How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
