Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
