I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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