My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
