I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
