I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
