I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
