The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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