believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
