My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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