he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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