You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
