people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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