So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
