Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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