You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
