I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We need to get me chipped asap
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
