Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
