So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
