Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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