Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
