i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
