and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
