Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
