I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
