I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
