We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
