apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
