too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
