as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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