I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
