I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
