If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am midnight drunk by noon
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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