Sponge bath it is.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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