forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
